I havent mentioned on here yet that I applied for a job as a fundraiser for the Cats Protection a week ago. It all came about so fast, the week before last I applied, I then received a phone call and had a consultation on what the job would involve. I was then invited for interview last monday, I was told to meet them in a local hotel. On monday though I had a phone call from nursery saying little madam needed to be collected because they had found signs of headlice (grrrr) and she had also fallen off a chair. The other halfs work were really good and allowed the other half to take his lunch break whilst I had my interview so that he could watch little madam.
The interview went really well and I felt really confident about it throughout and after. He said to me that the only thing letting me down was that I couldnt drive which may prove to be a problem, so it was probably going to be between me and someone else who can drive but are not as enthusiastic as me...The man said I would hear back within a day or so. It put me on edge everytime the phone rang I was suprised at how nervous I was to receive the call from them. The majority of calls I received within those next few days were from the other half asking if I had got the job!! By Wednesday I still hadn't heard from them and so had to face facts that I perhaps hadnt got the job. Even the other half shook his head and said no it doesn't look as though you got it but it was a good interview and you should hold onto that.
I was suprisingly gutted. I went to my weekly councelling on the Thursday and told him that I had missed out on a job because I couldnt drive and that I was determined that week to get in the car and face my fear.
When I got home I looked in a last ditch attempt at the phone to see if there were any missed calls which there didn't appear to be. Towards the end of the day I went to use the phone and before I dial in a number if there is a message on there the tone sounds higher pitched. I was really suprised that there was a message and I hadn't realised so I listened to it and to my suprise it was the people from the job asking me to ring back and they 'looked forward to talking to me later' I rang back then and there and they were really pleased to offer me the job and have invited me to do my training this Thursday!! It was such a nice suprise. The other half was estatic! It will certainly take the pressure off him financially.

I finished my letter...

Wishful thinking

My wish list/goals for 2012...

1. Get through to my sister AJ and finally make peace and put all bad feelings behind us.
2. Bring in more money to help support my family.
3. Encourage my daughter to reach her full potential.
4. Help the other half raise funds to afford a car and run it.
5. Go on a family holiday.
6. Resume my driving lessons.
7. Make friends with the people I want to on Facebook.
8. Remove all the rubbish from the garden.
9. Sort out Mitchel's skin problem once and for all.
10. Make my business a success.
11. Send my letter...

There are a couple of those that I think are achievable but most rely on money or other people co operating. Well take note people, we shall review all of this in December to see how far I get! x

Happy Birthday Mr BPM :-)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It will be 4 years that I have been with the other half. Not all of our time has been good but some of the best moments of my life have been with him and I will definately treasure those moments forever. We are really skint so can't afford to do anything nice. We are going out on Saturday for the other half's xmas work do (lol) we have the babysitter all set up for litte madam.

I'm at the point in my life where I feel like i'm walking through thick mud. Everything around me is happening in slow motion and it all seems to be going wrong some how. I'm not sure what I want anymore. Not on the bigger scale. I know what I want in terms of I love the other half and can only hope he loves me just the same. He says he does but I have learnt not to take things at face value to save disappointment... and of course little madam is my sunshine, my everything. I can not imagine not being a mum. My gorgeous cats are also my life. They hear everything I say and watch my every emotion. When I walk through the door, just having their attention warms my heart and hearing them purr makes me feel like I am worth something in this life. Sounds ridiculous I know but hey....

I hate crying so much. I hate little madam witnessing my tears, especially as she is at the age where she now says 'mummy what's wrong mummy? are you alright?' x x x
I have been talking through my emotions with a councellor, he thinks it is healthy to get everything off my chest and sort through all my thoughts.

........................................................................................................................................................

My Boy's :-) x

Kind of glad the weekend is over now, it's been kind of manic in a sort of chilled way which probably makes no sense what so ever. On friday both little miss K and J went to Brownies, it was Little Miss J's first proper session and she really enjoyed it and can't wait to go again in a fortnights time.
Little madam enjoyed the company :-) even though the majority of the time we could hear her screeching and wailing if she took something that wasn't hers and it was the reclaimed by her sisters!
I'm so glad the kids didn't come down with nits in their hair again, I don't think I could have coped!

In other news, I made my way through the entire first series of Downton Abbey. It's brilliant, I really enjoyed it :-)

The other half put together Little madams Peppa Pig trike. Is it so wrong that I can hear little madam wide awake in her cot (it's 10pm now) and I'm dying to go and get her just so she can play on it lol The other half said no :-( meany lol

Right, guna watch my american shite on tele now... :-) x

We painted the lounge walls today, they finally look clean! The curtain poles are here ready to go up we just have to pray that they fit...

My last post may seem a little random as I usually do my b*tching in dribs and drabs throughout this entire blog. The truth of it is, the vast majority of each day I brood over things that upset me which is really unhealthy I suppose but it's something I don't seem to be able to stop. Perhaps though you will be pleased to know that I am trying to help myself and hopefully it won't affect me in such a big way in the future as it does now, heres hoping anyway.

The ironic thing is that I hate it when people brood over things they can't change lol I know it's a complete waste of time and energy, you are best of focusing on the good in your life blah blah blah. I know all that and I apologise to the people I have been short with over their individual issues. It's a catch 22.

Onto other news... Little madam is back at nursery after her christmas break. She went back on the 3rd. Bless her she went in with her potty and pants, very grown up! Unfortunately she's never been in pants anywhere other than home before and so had lots of 'accidents' leaving me with a carrier bag full of clothing stinking of wee at the end of the first day! niiiiiiice.
She made me laugh this morning when I went to take her downstairs after she woke up, she looked at me and said 'Morning!!' haha I used to work in a nursery and so I thought I had in mind each development for the different age ranges but never did I realise how intelligent two year olds really are. Little madam amazes me with everything she knows and understands. She even knows how to wipe her own hands and face clean and then put the wipe in the bin! She won't be three until November so I'm intrigued to see how much she progresses at this current age.

The other half has been busy with work lately, he seems to do nothing else! However I made it my mission to make sure we watched a movie every single night last week so we spent some time together. I think we missed one night as we were so shattered after having a row until 5am the night before. Luckily it seems to have all blown over but the I still find it all so ridiculous.

Anyway, Little madam is stirring after her afternoon nap so I better go and get her although I don't know exactly what I intend to do with her seeing as we don't have a lounge at the moment lol Play time in her room I think!

Why is it possible to annoy yourself with your own thinking?

Thoughts are all I have when Little madam is at nursery and the other half is at work. I hate that sinking feeling when I find my mind trails off onto thoughts of my past, my life, my 'family'... I annoy myself so much because I know that in order to stop these phases of 'depression' then I need to just get over it and move on with my life. I have to accept that my immediate family just don't want to know. Why though? It drives me mad!
I refuse to believe this is entirely all down to me. Perhaps I wasn't perfect, but I will not take all the blame for the destruction of the family I once had. It was already shattering when I was the age of 2. What is wrong with everyone? Why do people hear what they want to hear and stab the people they used to love so much right in the back? It's the same with everything in this life? People have such demand and high expectations of what they want in life and if it isn't achieved then clearly there is a malfunction with the people around them. Clearly those people need to be wiped out of their lives just so they feel like they now have some sort of chance of achieving their egotistical dreams...
Can't anyone see the bigger picture even when making the tiniest of life choices? Who cares if you don't have the latest technical gadget? Who the hell cares how big your flipping tv is?? and what does it matter what brand clothing you are wearing? What is with the competition? the pressure? The snide remarks and comments.
I would love to have the nicest things in life, sure I would, but never at the expence of losing the people I love.
My parents think I am selfish, unkind and unambitious, lazy even. And to a certain extent, perhaps I can hold my hands up and admit to some of that. But to cut me out from what, 2007/2008? and then claim to KNOW me and what I think is a bit of a p*ss take. What kind of father cuts out his daughter from his life after bringing her up for 18 years? What kind of sick twisted individual refuses to watch his only grandchild grow up just because he thought the whole idea of his daughter having a child was a mistake??
I feel mixed emotions about all of this. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Hopeless...
I have a mother who wants to know me one minute and then shuts me out the next. A mother who gets married and doesnt tell her two children until months after.
I am ashamed at how my parents act around people they see every day. The act. The sharade. The bravado. 'Oh well, you did your best with her, thats all you could do' must be a popular line in their ears.
I may not be making my millions just yet, I may not have acquired my parents snobbery. But I still have intact my dignity, my own ambition, my own family and most of all, my life. Mine.