Thoughts are all I have when Little madam is at nursery and the other half is at work. I hate that sinking feeling when I find my mind trails off onto thoughts of my past, my life, my 'family'... I annoy myself so much because I know that in order to stop these phases of 'depression' then I need to just get over it and move on with my life. I have to accept that my immediate family just don't want to know. Why though? It drives me mad!
I refuse to believe this is entirely all down to me. Perhaps I wasn't perfect, but I will not take all the blame for the destruction of the family I once had. It was already shattering when I was the age of 2. What is wrong with everyone? Why do people hear what they want to hear and stab the people they used to love so much right in the back? It's the same with everything in this life? People have such demand and high expectations of what they want in life and if it isn't achieved then clearly there is a malfunction with the people around them. Clearly those people need to be wiped out of their lives just so they feel like they now have some sort of chance of achieving their egotistical dreams...
Can't anyone see the bigger picture even when making the tiniest of life choices? Who cares if you don't have the latest technical gadget? Who the hell cares how big your flipping tv is?? and what does it matter what brand clothing you are wearing? What is with the competition? the pressure? The snide remarks and comments.
I would love to have the nicest things in life, sure I would, but never at the expence of losing the people I love.
My parents think I am selfish, unkind and unambitious, lazy even. And to a certain extent, perhaps I can hold my hands up and admit to some of that. But to cut me out from what, 2007/2008? and then claim to KNOW me and what I think is a bit of a p*ss take. What kind of father cuts out his daughter from his life after bringing her up for 18 years? What kind of sick twisted individual refuses to watch his only grandchild grow up just because he thought the whole idea of his daughter having a child was a mistake??
I feel mixed emotions about all of this. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Hopeless...
I have a mother who wants to know me one minute and then shuts me out the next. A mother who gets married and doesnt tell her two children until months after.
I am ashamed at how my parents act around people they see every day. The act. The sharade. The bravado. 'Oh well, you did your best with her, thats all you could do' must be a popular line in their ears.
I may not be making my millions just yet, I may not have acquired my parents snobbery. But I still have intact my dignity, my own ambition, my own family and most of all, my life. Mine.
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