Had a great time with my family :-)

Had such a great time in Cheltenham/Gloucester with my family :-)

I am however SOOOOOOO annoyed at my mother-in-law for putting her bloody foot in it and preventing my other half from going :-( He was so gutted to realise he wouldn't be able to go.

Happy Birthday to my other half who is 29 TODAY!!!! That's right people - only one more year left in his twenties and I will be lumbered with a thirty year old!!! :P

Back to my holiday....

I decided to visit my grandparents slightly earlier than planned last Thursday. Little Madam and I drove into town with the other half who dropped us off at the train station. We boarded the train and settled down for the direct trip to Cheltenham Spa.
Little Madam was very well behaved and helped me track down the bus outside the station! We travelled into town and got our connecting bus staight away - smooth! lol

My Nan thought she was picking me up from the station at 2pm but I thought I would suprise her and turn up at her work at 1pm :-) She was very suprised! She also loved showing her colleagues her great-grand daughter :-) We left her to finish her last hour of her shift and went to eat our lunch on the bench opposite. Once we had finished eating we read Peppa Pig. Lots of passers by commented on how adorable Little Madam is :D

Once Nan had finished she came to meet us and drove us back to the house. We pottered around for a bit and then took little madam to the park which she LOVED! We completely wore her out. Nan was determined she say 'OVER the bridge' and not 'up' lol

After the park we went to see my GREAT grandad (Little Madam's great-great grandad!) He was very pleased to see us! Little Madam loved seeing the chickens in his next door neighbours garden. She also got to ride on a trike which at one point she fell off smacking her head on the concrete - oops. She managed to take it in her stride once the shock had worn off and carried on playing. We now seem to have adopted a very scary looking doll!!!

We went back to my Nan's house and briefly saw my Grandad when he got home from work. He got to see little madam making a mess eating her tea. I decided to feed her there as I thought she would fall asleep on my way to 'Uncle Festers and Westie'.

Uncle Fester turned up at 6pm to pick us up :-) I was really happy that Little Madam wasn't shy around anyone :-) She DID fall asleep on the way back to Gloucester! I knew she would lol Westie woke her up to say 'hello' :-)

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Anywayyyyy I had no idea this would all take so long to write - it's still the other half's birthday so better get going and will continue to relate my holiday via blog very soon! To be continued....

In the mean time wish me luck in my new job tomorrow - I will be up bright and early :O

Night for now x x

Out with the old, in with the new...

To my dear friend...

This post is directly for you and I apologise for maybe looking like I am taking the cowards route with all of this by posting on this 'infamous' blog. I am in fact trying to spare an awkward conversation/arguement. I just want to say my piece so you can understand 'why' and perhaps even do something about it, i'm not sure...

I realise I have had more than my fair share of dilema's and problems over the last year or so. You have been there for me like a true friend and I really do THANK YOU :-) It's only in situations like that you realise who your true friends are and I know hand on heart that you are one of them. I feel priviliged to have you in my life.

Lately I have come into some information leading me to doubt how truthful some who are close to you in particular are actually being. Your good nature lending a hand and being the best friend you can possibly be has perhaps created personal conflict with you and a loved one. They have had to go along with certain things mainly to keep you happy but are very begrudging and are becoming more and more two-faced...

I was really upset to hear their personal views about me, especially as they seem very nice/genuine to my face but behind closed doors is the complete opposite... I'm done with negative people in my life. You of all people know how many negative-minded people I have flitting in and out of my life.

I have thought long and hard about the next thing I am about to say... If that is the way they truly think of me then perhaps it's time to make a clean break. I am sick of people who don't even really 'know' me thinking the worst. Thinking they can judge a book by it's cover and even try to make you feel like I am awful...

I have really tried hard to be a friend to them, make them feel 'part of the family'. Yes I know I have had to beg and borrow, but I would never 'steal' from you (I know I have not been accused of stealing - but I can sense the hostility they radiate towards me as if I am fleecing you and taking the p**s).

Please know that if you found yourself in similar situations I would be there 100% for you. If my other half ever thought badly and said even half the stuff I am talking about - I would show him the door fast. You are my best friend and anyone who speaks badly of you is no friend of mine...

It is for these reasons I can not bare to have anything to do with this 'said person' and pray you can understand why. They obviously have too many issues with me, and frankly they are not worth fighting for in my eyes. It will be no loss for me but a dilema for you and I can appreciate that. I'm not asking you to choose, I would never ask you outright to do that. Just please accept my decision to move on and feel free to talk through this with me.

I love you and miss you always x x x

Well that made interesting reading...

Anyway....

The other half and I are on and off still with our 'views'/general life! Basically the good thing now is we are being frank and honest. There is a lot of things for both of us to work on and face up to. I know that now...

We won the court case, it has all been adjourned. Case dismissed.

I now owe a lot of people money. The first people I intend on paying back is the friends/family who lent me money. It's the worst feeling in the world to owe someone you love money. It's a constant guilt trip spending money on 'something nice' when they are probably thinking 'well hang on a minute... you could be paying me back if you can afford to do that!' Yes, will definately be paying them back first. My mind is at breaking point even just thinking about it...

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We have all three girls here now for the summer holidays. Little Madam still has this week in nursery (today and tomorrow morning) and then she will have the next two weeks off to enjoy with her family.

Like it or lump it?

Everyday seems to end in tears. Not just tears from my thoughts but actual pushed tears provoked from the other half constantly battling with everything I say/do. Nothing is right and everything is wrong. That's how I feel right now and IT'S GOT TO STOP :-(

Everyday I have the same arguments based on the other halfs over-reaction to NOTHING. What the hell is his problem coz I sure as hell don't know any more. He is driving me insane and quite frankly I don't know if he is worth it any more.

I was ready to marry him YEARS ago and he says he was too but he is just waaaaay off ready.

I have begged him to take a good long look at himself and his selfish attitude. He makes promises he just doesn't intend on keeping. EVERYTHING revolves around him and his needs.

FUCKING SORT YOURSELF OUT YOU SELFISH SELFISH BASTARD...

So yeah.... GOT THE JOB!! woop woop! I'm still about to lose the house. Will have to hope we have an angel looking over us in court on Tuesday but at least I can finally say I will have a monthly wage coming in which is more than I have had for the past year or so... (stupid bus cuts meant I lost my last job grrrr still very bitter!)

Happy 18th to my sister A on the 10th.... I miss her soooo much :-(

I can't really express myself very well at the moment on this blog hence the lack of posts recently. I just feel to overwhelmed with everything that is going on lately. I got the job, i'm about to lose the house, the other halfs advert is showing on tv, we got a car....
To top it off we are about to have the kids for three weeks with literally no money :-(
I can't even think about my 25th next month it's all just sooo rubbish yet I know as of January things will have dramatically improved!
Bring on January 2013....

Grrrrr I hate waiting games.... I ended up getting a second interview for the nursery job, I went to that on Tuesday and am still waiting to hear back...

Life is a bit s**t financially at the moment, to the point where we may lose the house :(

Other than that, i'm great! Actually that's a lie too. I'm really missing my sister (Miss A - the one that won't have anything to do with me) lately... She turns 18 on the 10th of August and i'm going to miss it :-( Not through choice. I wish there was some way to make her see she has got this all wrong and is wasting so much time thinking the worst.

We pick the girls up tomorrow for their last weekend visit before we pick them up again on the 14th August for their block summer holiday with us :-) We have Little Miss K for her 9th birthday on the 23rd :-) I must get organising...

In other news... I went out with Miss J last weekend. I had such a great time. We went to the casino where she had already planned to play in a poker tournament. I'm no way into card games (except Cinco on the Tombola website) so I decided to prance about on my own with amaretto & Coke in my hand meeting new people.
It was sooo fun! I was mainly surrounded my grandads but I had such a great time. The barman didn't even have to ask after a while and would already be making my drink as I walked up to the bar lol!
When Miss J and her little gang finished their tournament we all walked over to Varsity for a dance and more drinks followed by Flares (which by the way they now charge £5 to get in!!!) - more boogying!
After this everyone was tired so we said good night and got a lift up to Goodbodys! Miss J was wasted and being a pain in the arse and at one point even saw some idiot waving at her to go sit on their table and so she picked up her plate and shouted back to me 'come on'! lol I was like 'noooo' and just sat there fraping her instead.

It was good seeing Miss J after so long. She ended up staying from Thursday night (when we went to bingo with Miss E and I won £10 on the first game when we walked in late lol) right up to Sunday!
I introduced her to Tombola, she signed up and put on £20 and the site gave her a further £40! It also gave me £20 for signing her up!! If any of you out there fancy signing up please say that 'corky7' referred you (That is the other halfs account!)
Anyway she didn't do very well but I did AMAZING and won over £200!! woop woop! Unfortunately I won't see any of it :-( but was still very exciting!

The other half will be on the Tombola advert on the 1st of August!! Look out for him!

Will I or won't I??

Just waiting to hear if I get a job as a qualified nursery nurse working alongside my sister-in-law. I really want this job especially as I want to contiue with my training.
I should find out later today so fingers crossed...

Learn some manners

I've been really peed off today. It just seems that everyone, and I mean everyone says one thing to me and then goes off and does their own thing without the decency to give me any excuse/message so i'm left kind of in the lurch.
If you want to do something, you do it right? Or is that just me who seems to only do that?? What is the point in saying one thing and actually meaning something else? Seems pretty f**ked up to me.
No one bothered supporting Little Madam in her mile walk today. Not one pi**ing person.
Her grand mother (who incidently specifically asked to watch) said she would go and then today I ask the other half to ring and check she is still going, she then has the cheek to say she was waiting for me to let her know if she could go. And THEN didn't even bl**dy turn up.
Learn a lesson right here people. It's RUDE to promise someone something and then go AWOL.

In other news... The other half went to Brighton to film the Tombola advert at the beginning of the week. He had a brilliant time and came back with sun burn. There must have been a parting in the clouds just over Brighton coz I sure as hell didn't see any sun lol
He says he did really well :-) He even got to decorate cupcakes (which was filmed) and brought them home to me, awwww :-)
We will have to start looking out for him as of the 1st August which should be great as he will be on between the X Factor lol

Hi Moo moo's, he's right here trying to get my attention bless him :-)

I have an hour and a half until I need to go out the door again. The other half is taking me to an all-you-can-eat chinese to cheer me up after spending most of my morning in tears. Little Madam is having her much needed nap at the moment. I think I will let her sleep until we have to go after the tantrum we had on her way home today!

That's all for now...

Nearly bought all of the other halfs clothes/shoes etc for next week when he travels to Brighton to film the Tombola advert! He's very excited now and looking forward to his three days off. He knows a few people already from the casting he went to in Leeds.
I'm picking up Little Miss K and J this week because the other half wants to earn a few extra pennies to take with him next week. I'm sure the girls will be very excited when I tell them his is filming next week :D

Good luck to Little Miss K tomorrow in your sports day, I hope that the weather stays nice. Also hope Little Miss J is doing well generally in her 'sports week'. Little Madam has a sports week next week. I will hopefully be going to watch her do her sponsored 'toddler walk' next Friday where they are trying to walk a MILE around their field!! Can't see her quite managing a mile, she will probably get bored after the first lap lol

I'm at home today sorting through the pit that is our house! My second load of washing is on, making the most of the sunny weather!

Happy Fathers Day to all those who know/understand what being a dad means :-)

We have had a fab day today. My sister-in-law picked me up at 11.30am and took me back to the Working Mens Club (where I worked years ago!) to play bingo with her and my mother-in-law. Had a great time and even won £25 :-) It was nice to spend 'proper' time with them to be honest, it's definately rare! My mother-in-law kept telling me to 'slow down' with the malibu and coke! She has a lot to learn here lol I was drinking at my 'usual' pace haha

After bingo we went back to their house for a yummy roast (Pork). They had no apple sauce so I made them chuckle by bringing my own lol Little Madam entertained everyone with her usual bubbly personality :-) She wore a pretty party dress - very snazzy!

Little Madam ate her roast in record time and managed to cram in an ice-cream AND sweets! What a little piggy!

My mother-in-law dropped us home about an hour ago, kitty cats waiting on the door step :-) Little Madam has now gone onto bed. I suggested the other half could write a message of thanks on Little Miss K's wall to both of the girls thanking them for his card rather than waiting until we see them on Friday. He wrote the message straight away and then next thing we know is his ex has let them ring him to wish him a Happy Fathers Day. The other half was thrilled, I think it has made his day :-)

He is off playing World of Warcraft now so just me and the kitty cats sat in the lounge ready for some rubbish tele and perhaps a dollop of ice cream - what?! I haven't had pudding yet!!

Anyway, hears to more days like these :-) x x x

We had a lovely holiday in Gloucester and Cheltenham!

Sunday 3rd June 2012
Very exciting day, the last minute packing, sending the other half to pick up little miss K and J from Bude, handing over keys to Miss E for pet-sitting and general busy chaos!
It was decided that the kids would all go to bed early as we were going to have a VERY early wake up call. I however insisted on watching my American crap on the tele which finished at midnight.
The other half and I finished moving bags around and finally went to bed at 1am but couldnt get off to sleep. We must have eventually though because the next thing I knew is we were waking up to my alarm at 3am!

Monday 4th June 2012
I dressed really quickly then snuck into the kids room and woke up little madam first. The girls soon realised it was time to wake up and hurried to put on their dressing gowns ready for a very early breakfast. We actually got ready to go in speedy time and were waiting around for the taxi to arrive at 4.45am.
Everything ran really smoothly, we got the taxi to the bus station and found our National Express coach. By then it was 5.20am. Off we went very excited. Little miss J and little madam sat together and within half hour they were both snoozing. Little miss K sat alone and looked out the window. We drove past my old family home on the main road, the other half pointed out the house to her :-)
We made it to Bristol bus station for our change over although we had to wait there for over an hour. We amused ourselves by feeding the pigeons which had wandered indoors lol On the way to the toilets I let the girls go in the photo booth, we printed a picture to put in their cousins birthday card.
We finally arrived in Gloucester at 10.45am, greeted by my 'uncle' and his girlfriend. I shall refer to them both on this blog as Fester and Miss C. We piled all our luggage and selves into the cars and went straight back to the house. My cousin C* was also staying with us, he soon made friends with the kids :-)
We spent the rest of the day playing football, shooting foam things out of plastic guns and watching 'Finding Nemo'.

Tuesday 5th June 2012
Had to rush when we woke up as we had to find the three buses to my Nan and Grandad's house - baring in mind it was still a bank holiday!
I think we did really well! We got there just after mid day!
It was really nice to see my family, it had been agessss since we last saw them! They got on really well with the girls. Me and my nan even popped out to get them some magazines/colouring stuff. The weather was pretty naff so couldn't take the kids out.
Later in the afternoon my other Uncle and Aunt stopped by for a roast lamb dinner - mmmmm!!!!
It was a really nice day. Fester and Miss C picked us up in the evening. We went back to theirs and got the kids to bed.

Wednesday 6th June 2012
Fester had to work so we only had one car. Miss C drove peeps into town and I took me, little madam and little miss K in by bus. We decided to show the girls the 'Fish clock' that blows bubbles every hour.

That evening after the kids were in bed we watched a comedy dvd and then made plans for the next day - Thorpe Park.

Thursday 7th June 2012
Both Fester and I woke up at 5.30am and went downstairs but looked out the window in complete dismay. The weather looked s**t!!! :-( It looked pretty obvious that Thorpe Park would have to be cancelled however we looked up the forecast for the rest of the day. Yep we had to cancel so I went back to bed a slept for hours lol
When I woke up we decided to go bowling.
Team 1: Miss C, Little miss K and J and C*
Team 2: Me, The other half, Fester and Little Madam

Overall, team 2 won! (woop lol) on game one, little madam beat her daddy lol

The weather was still pretty rubbish :-(

We also decided to have a little 'party' so the girls could wear their dresses. It also gave us adults a chance to un-wind and have a few to drink. We all sang on Singstar! Both Fester and C* tried their best to beat me on 'The man who can't be moved' and failed lol! :P

Friday 8th June 2012
My Nan agreed to babysit Little Madam whilst we all went to the cinema. We decided to watch Men in Black. We walked into the cinema only to realise that the tickets had all sold out! We apologised to little miss K and J who had got so excited before hand. We decided to go back to the house and watch Bolt and eat the homemade popcorn the kids had made. After the film had finished Fester and I went to pick up little madam.
Bless her she had had such a good time! She was so excited to tell me about the 'swings' and the 'slide' lol We both said good bye to my Nan and went back to the house.
Miss C had already gone out as she had plans to go out with her friends that evening. We put the kids to bed and then ate our tea. I made Fester and the other half watch a really girlie film seeing as I had to endure football.
Half way through the film Miss C turned up and brought her friends - who had been drinking lol - home. They seemed really nice and carried on drinking. One by one they went home until their was one couple left, that's when little madam decided to wake up!

Saturday 9th June 2012
We visited my Grandpa, his partner Miss S and his mother M* at their 'new' house. It was so nice to see them all, again it's been a while.
We had yummy lasagne followed by meringue and home made ice cream. Then spent the afternoon 'playing' with hama beads!
The girls particularly liked playing with the dolls house. We took the cupcakes home with us. That evening we had to say goodbye to C* as he was going back to his mum's house. It also meant we had a spare double bed so the girls didn't have to sleep out in the tent.
We finished our last evening watching Michael McIntyre on dvd! soooo funny :-)

Sunday 10th June 2012
Whilst the other half and I packed up our things, Fester and Miss C took the girls strawberry picking. They brought back a punnet each and also some grapes.

We only just made it to our coach in time! We said hurried good byes to Fester and Miss C and thanked them for putting up with us for a whole week.

Eventually we were back in Plymouth. The other half's mum and sister met us at the bus station with their cars. We piled in and went home. Waiting patiently for me were two BEAUTIFUL kitty cats!!!!! Thanks Miss E and Miss S for taking care of our pets :-) x

End of May??

The months are just flying by at the moment! I can't believe it is the end of the month so soon, my last post was on the 4th!

Just want to say Happy Birthday to my 'bro' his birthday was on the 23rd and i'm pretty sure he just turned 7. I know that my sister K went home that day for his bday so i'm sure they did something fun. Although I feel like I am missing out on my siblings lives I get through each day knowing that they aren't being treated as badly as my sis L and I because they have been completely accepted/wanted by my step-mum. That's what it boils down to at the end of the day...

On a brighter note... I am visiting my family next week! - the ones that love me for who I really am!
I am sooooooo looking forward to it words can't really describe. The trip will be made better knowing that we are taking all three kids this time and the other half has the entire week off! We are trying to also plan a trip to either Alton Towers or Thorpe Park provided we have the pennies of course.
The kids suitcase is all packed already lol I can't stand last minute packing coz I always forget things. They will each have a little backpack with a change of clothes etc plus they can fill it with toys seeing as we have a 4hr coach journey :O

God knows how I will keep little miss J's hair up seeing as she cut 5 inches off whilst at her mum's house this week!! Not impressed I have to say but at the end of the day I remember that my own sister went through a 'phase' of cutting her hair too so will breathe through the horror when I see what sort of state it is in on Sunday.... lol

I suppose my other news that has been all over Facebook lately is that my other half got a call to go for a casting in Leeds for the Tombola advert! He went to the casting last weekend and met everyone else - wish I could have gone but you have to be 25 grrr. He seemed to have a great time and went for a few drinks on the Friday night. We are hoping he receives a phone call this week to ask him to go for the 3 day shoot in Brighton.
FINGERS CROSSED!!!!

Mitchel is laying on the lounge floor smiling at me :-) Love you Moo Moos! Don't know where Socks has gone... We have a workman upstairs at the moment sorting out our floorboards so i'm guessing he is watching him!

Anyway I think you are up to scratch now. Life is still exciting :D

I'm awake late tonight just chilling out watching celebrity juice, the afterparty on the soap awards and the apprentice :D
This week has been fun-packed! Little madam fell off the top bunk last night. I was sat in the lounge watching tv and I suddenly heard this almighty crash. I though the bunkbed had collapsed - that's how loud it was... and then I heard screaming :-( I raced upstairs, the other half had already picked her up. We couldn't see anything but could feel a bump rising on the back of her head so we called the out of hours and they suggested we go straight there.
Once the other half's mum arrived she drove us to the hospital. There was a lot of waiting around. We were basically given a lot of information on what to look for in the 'crucial' 6 hrs after a head injury and sent home.
Little madam was back to her normal within an hour and laughing etc... incredible! My Aunty Jane was obviously shielding her from harm. Little madam went straight to sleep when we got home and slept right through until I woke her at 9.3am. I wanted to check her over before I stuck to my original plans. All the swelling had gone down so I told little madam we could still go swimming with our neighbours from down the road.

I have really got the know my neighbours a little better this week :-) They have two little boys, one of them is two like little madam :-) Today we went swimming at the new 'life centre'. It was little madams first time and omg she screamed the place down for a good 10-20 minutes! She refused to go in and it took forever to coax her in with a ball. I eventually convinced her that everything was fine and it was 'fun'. She loved it in the end and was quite put out when two lanes were 'shut' for a class lol I really wanted her first swimming session to be with both me and her dad but it wasn't to be. If I hadn't taken her today who knows when she would have gone...!

I've been watching the series on ITV1 'Long lost families' and omg it is so sad :-( I didn't realise how upsetting I would find it. The thing that frustrates me with my family is the fact that I know where everyone is!! It's just all such a blimmin mess...

I hope you all had a fantastic Easter. The kids were spoilt rotten by friends/family and of course the Easter bunny.They each have a mixing bowl filled with chocolate sat on top of our freezer. Think it will last them right through til summer! At least I don't have to worry about buying in puddings for them lol
I hosted an easter egg hunt last Saturday for my friends. We had loads of fun and even got the BBQ going. We just about got the egg and spoon races done in time before the rain descended.
It was also good to get to know Miss E's new fiance (Mr M) as we've only met him once before at little madam's 2nd birthday party. It seems very sudden this engagement, kind of reminds me of myself with an ex boyfriend. We were all over each other and it was young love etc... The same thing happened with the other half and I, when I look back at how we were when we first got together I just laugh, we are no way as lovey-dovy now as we were then which is a little sad when you come to think of it.
We have been through a lot together and our families don't make things any easier. I hate the fact the other half will never have 'the dreaded parent-in-laws' people laugh and joke about having to meet their partners parents etc but they don't realise how good they have it. When the other half and I finally decide to set a date then it will be the most unconventional wedding to date. And there was me hoping for the traditional church wedding...

Speaking of parent-in-laws... Happy Birthday to the other halfs dad yesterday. There was a big debate between the other half and I as to whether I would go over to the house with little madam or not. I didn't really fancy being put in the same room as the other halfs nutcase sister but decided in the end that little madam should really see her grandad on his birthday regardless of everything else going on even if it meant being there for 5 minutes. As it turned out the other halfs sister was just leaving as I was walking up to the house. She spoke to me very briefly and walked on. It was good to spend a little time with my niece though, she is still living with the other halfs parents for the time being.

It is my sisters birthday next week. I feel awful as I can't afford very much.

I've been teaching this morning. My pupil said to me "I keep forgetting to ask you, where is your fluffy white guinea pig?" :( I had to tell her and her gran that sadly Nostrills is no longer with us :( luckily her gran was quick to reassure my pupil that these things happen and everything goes round full circle which really helped me as I could feel myself getting a little choked up :( I remember when the other half was telling little miss K and J about Nostrills, we were walking home in the dark and he was explaining that Nostrills was an old lady etc... they were sad about it and asked a lot of questions. I was walking just behind them pushing the stroller with tears in my eyes :(
It sounds silly but it really does bring home the fact that of course we are all going to die one day. Thats just a statement, a known fact. But no one really prepares anyone for the grieving you will have to go through. I have been talking to my counsellor about my fear of death in my last meetings before the easter break. We will probably discuss it again tomorrow. Just the idea of someone really close to me dying suddenly makes me feel physically sick.

I think this is why I get so frustrated at peoples lack of moral and constant moaning at the most petty things. Why don't people understand that you are only here once. I watch people close to me living to work rather than working to live and it makes me so cross. You will never get this time again. My Auntys death and also my friends father dying taught me a lot about how short life is.

I'm in the worst position I have ever been financially and the other half is constantly having nervous breakdowns and thinks I never care because I don't get as 'worried' as him. The truth is of course I worry but I also know it's not worth getting hysterical about it because how exactly will that help anyone?! There are hurdles in life that we need to just get over and deal with.

In wales land...

I'm on my last minute hols in the land of the Wales people who speak funny :-) My new word so far is 'Heddlu' which means 'Police' lol I seem to learn a new word for emergency services each time I visit hehe

Having a great time so far. Bruce has had to work a fair bit so been keeping myself amused with little madam. But on Thursday we both made time to take little madam to the sea side :D Little madam wasnt too impressed. Sand in her words is 'dirty' and the sea again in her words is 'cold' lol There was some excitements when we found small pools of water accumulating around the rocks/sand where she liked to jump and splash, that is until she fell in and came up out the water spluttering followed by screaming in horror lol Thus concluded our time on the sand/in the sea... We spent the last part of our trip to the beach on the rocks in the sun eating our picnic followed by what we hoped would be a traditional ice cream but turned out to be foul tasting ice lollies...

I have made time to check out the Cardiff charity shops to get more stock for my business, wow it's so expensive grrrrr but I got some very nice clothes and hope they sell well. I have spent this morning getting it all listed on ebay.

The next few days will mostly consist of packing for Bruces house move. She's downgrading to a flat. Havent seen it yet but sounds nice. We have steadily been going through her mountain of stuff and my god we have boxes of bits and bobs ready to go to the charity shops. We are rapidly running low on boxes, as we speak Bruce and her bf G* are now in de tescos on the look out for more.

Little madam is having her nap at the moment so just taking this time to relax :-)

Happy 4th Birthday Mitchy-moo moos :D x x x
He has had tuna tonight as a treat lol He's now going through his OCD motions of cleaning thoroughly.

I'm just winding down now before watching 'I didn't know I was pregnant' :P

Been very busy today considering I only woke up at 12! As soon as I was up and dressed I was out the door and shopping for more clothing for my business. Today's trip was to my old haunt St Budeaux and gues who I bumped into... yes you guessed right. The other half's nutcase of a sister. I was walking outside about to go into the shop and saw her in there through the window. I stopped momentarily and debated whether or not to go in but thought that i'm going to be bumping into her, I mean we live in the same city so I walked in. I didn't look at her and in the end didn't have to worry because she deliberately walked the long way around the shop to leave so she didnt have to be anywhere near me. I'm glad in a way because I would have hated the awkwardness but at the same time all I could think was 'b*tch, I'm only ok when i'm needed to have your child live in my house because you were facing arson charges...' Breathe...
I technically bumped into her twice because when I left the shop there she was again but this time walking along side her mum on their way to get my neice from school. I only stopped to quickly chat to my mother in law and then got on the bus.

Anyway I got some good stock so i'm happy that i've had a productive day. Even got some parcels in the post too.

lol Mitchel is sat right in front of me with his love eyes :) how CUTE!

We have the kids here for the second weekend in a row. We have swapped weekends so that the kids can be in a fashion show in Bude next Friday :-) I went with them and their mum to their dress fitting and then brought little miss K and J home on the bus with little madam. They went swimming today with their Aunty S* which they really enjoyed, especially because the got to spend some quality time with their cousin little miss M*.  Little Madam thought she was going with her sisters this morning when her Aunty S turned up, bless her she got so upset so I took her into town to meet the other half for lunch and then let her go on some rides :-) She slept all the way home!
Little Miss K and J are leaving earlier than usual as it is Mothers day and we offered for their mum to come early if she wanted to have them for most of the day. I have already had my flowers/flower painting from little madam :D I also got the BEST mothers day gift EVER, well the other half bought it on behalf of little madam lol - a box of 48 creme eggs!!! :O the box is soooo heavy which does concern me slightly knowing that the weight will soon pass on to me lol Will definately have to get a fitness dvd or something!
Watching Pirates of the Caribbean at the moment (the first one) I keep laughing at all the familiar quotes (Bruce - you know the ones I mean, lol) right now we are at the part where Elizabeth escapes out the window with the bedsheets and says 'bloody pirates' :P

Ooooo here's some interesting news, it turns out that my Nan got married today! We knew they were planning to go off and just 'do it' but no one knew exactly when it would be. It was announced at our weekend away in Hope Cove. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
I have to admit I did chuckle (but also sighed) when I looked at the email and the only person that was missing on the 'forwarded to' list was my dad...

It's Mitchels 4th birthday on Tuesday :D :D :D

Both cats are snuggled up next to me on the sofa fastttt asleep :-) So gorgeous!

Just waiting til midnight to play my free daily game on bingo then may aswel go to bed seeing as the other half is snoring away on the other sofa, seriously he is AWFUL to watch a film with, I can't remember when we last watched a film together and he stayed awake right to the end.... in fact the only time is when we go to the cinema! Maybe it's because he is aware he is paying for that lol

Ever heard the saying 'don't flog a dead horse'??

To whom it may concern (although lets face it, you know exactly who you are),

Thank you for s**t-stirring, it was really kind of you. Just the fact you automatically assume my previous post was directed at you just shows your insecurities. The fact you drag other people into things shows how selfish you really are.

I'm done with all of this. I don't know why you think you can say your sob stories to sherk your 'responsibilities'. You really are a sad excuse of a mother. No more letters. No more phone calls. Go deal with your 'problems' ON YOUR OWN. Be a grown up and deal with it like i've had to. It's because of selfish people like yourself that there are so many victims born into families that don't really want them.

Call it immature and selfish of me to post this for the world to see but I think I have been patient enough with you for the past 24 years of my life...

so AND so...

What to say?

The weekend is almost over. We had a nice roast cooked by the other half earlier (chicken and gammon). Last night we had a belated celebration of Little Miss J's brownie enrolment with the other halfs family. The other halfs sister (S*) has asked if she can take the kids swimming next time they are down. She wants to take little madam but we said no purely because she still hasn't EVER been and I really want it to be me and the other half that first take her. Can you believe she is coming up to 2 and a half and still hasnt ever been swimming?! The main reason was because of her operation last September. We really must make a bigger effort to go though...

We had a fantastic time with Bruce when she came to visit :-) She even treated us to a nice meal at Toby carvery, yummy! Hears hoping for a lot more meet ups throughout 2012 :-)
Im really looking forward to the Easter holiday. I am organising an easter egg hunt at mine on the 14th for friends and family, should be really good if people can make it.

It's nice and sunny today for once, I even have washing on the line! My spanking new phone lied, it told me today would be cloudy lol

I had a nice phone conversation with my sister Lou yesterday. She randomly rang me up on her way to work and we spoke for 40 mins! We have been in contact loads lately which is great, like old times :-) I know that she is lonely up there so like to keep in regular contact with her, when shes not working that is...
She has promised to try and find out if my step-mum got the letter that I wrote as there has been no reply or acknowledgement.
It also seems as if the usually 'family members' are messing her around but at least this time she seems to be able to see what is going on under her nose, I just hope she is not hurting on the inside :-(

My cat Mitchey-moo's is enjoying his last few days being age 3 :-) I can not believe he will be 4 very soon :O Last night was soo wierd. Apparently little madam wandered into our room in the middle of the night and ended up in our bed so the other half went to sleep in the lounge as he didnt have enough room. Anyway he shut the bedroom door on his way downstairs and then shut himself in the lounge. I woke up a little later to find little madam curled up next to me and assumed the door was open for the cats... 10 mins later I heard someone scratching at the door saying 'meooooowwwwww' lol after a while I realised it was Mitchel so let him in thinking 'oh, the other half would never leave them without a bed so he mush have the lounge door open and Socks must be downstairs...'
Half hour later I can hear the most tiny 'meewwwww' lol I found that Socks had been shut in with Little Miss K and J!!! I eventually got to sleep lol and by morning both Socks and Mitchel were fast asleep on my feet :-)

Naughty Mummy :-(

I'm such a bad mummy, I thought I had done this yesterday....

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY TO MY GORGEOUS KITTY CAT SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's growing up so fast and bringing so much joy and love to our house. I love you soooo much baby boy :-) x x x

It probably comes as little shock to some that I couldn't hold down the job with cats protection. I did a grand total of three days plus a days training before I had to hand in my notice due to not having a good grip on my childcare issues. I'm disappointed that I won't be able to bring in that fantastic income to support my family and absolutely gutted that I won't be helping to promote the awareness of the great work that Cats Protection do (although when things have settled down here I do intend to have some involvement as a volunteer). But at the same time I think I made the right decision. Just the though of missing out on little madam every evening after nursery really upset me and I see now just how much of her life I would have missed. I have decided that if I am to go for another job I should go for something that starts in the morning and would finish in time for me to spend time with my daughter. I see how work takes a hold over a lot of peoples lives and how the kids get fobbed off and end up having a better relationship with their sitter rather than their parents.

The Cottage Hotel, Hope Cove

We got back today from a fab holiday in Hope Cove with my dad's side of the family (minus my dad!) plus my Nan's 'new' partners side of the family who have been familiar to my family for some time. I didn't know most of them as it's been a while since they last saw me so it was great to finally put some faces to the names I had been hearing about.

It was actually a belated christmas present from my Nan and P as they wanted an opportunity for the family to get back together and do something fun. It was definately fun!

Nan picked us (me, the other half and little madam) up at lunch time last Friday and drove us to the hotel. My cousin Ca* was in the car as he had been staying with my nan for the week. Nan decided to use the sat nav which was a terrible idea and I was forever saying, 'seriously ignore it, it's wrong' which it was! so in the end the map came out and the other half was dawdling trying to find where we were, I was so impatient I demanded he pass me the map and I had us there within the next 20 minutes, we gave a cheer as we past the sign!

Upon arriving, we piled out the car in excitement (it's been agessss since my last family holiday! plus it was little madam's first 'proper' holiday where we havent gone to stay at someones house) We had a brilliant view of the sea. My Uncle J was already there with 3 more of my cousins (Ch*, An* and Ni*) we found them down on the beach! We got to know our way around the hotel pretty fast and were shown to our room. We received a phone call soon after from reception asking what little madam would like for her 'Early Tea'. We decided it would be rather fitting for her to have fish and chips :-)
We took little madam down for her tea and bless her she was the only 'young child' who was eating an Early tea. They had laid a single table especially for her and had covered the chair (as you will start to gather, this place was really posh!) She even had her own personal waiter! He bought her everything she needed and after she had finished her tea he brought out ice cream and added a chocolate flake!

Everyone had arrived by early evening and so got to say hello to little madam before we settled her down in our room for the night. We set up the baby monitors (we had two, that's how paranoid I was!) and then got ourselves poshed up for a late dinner. I had no idea what to expect and so got a shock (a nice shock I should point out) when I discovered that we would be having 5 courses each night! Yum the food was so nice and we even had gorgeous sorbet between the starter and main to 'clean our palettes'
After the final course of posh cheeses we made our way to the second lounge for some people to have coffee/teas. Most of us were continuing to drink though - myself included!
It ended up being 5 of us left (Uncle J, Uncle A, his GF Cl*, myself and the other half) having a good old chin wag about certain people we know and what we are all up to now a days etc... As well as some reminising of funny times lol

We were all up early the next day. Little madam had the following for breakfast: A bowl of rice crispies, toast, scrambled egg with beans and a yogurt!
Once we were all ready we some began our quiz (we had 24 hours to complete a fun quiz, based on Hope Cove) and then later in the morning we began our sand castles as we were having a competition! The other half and I based ours on Hogwarts! According to sources we came 2nd :-)
Literally as soon as we had completed the competition it began to rain and so we all piled into the camper van - bare in mind there were nearly 20 of us! and we had hot mulled wine and shortbread. After a number of spilliges and crumbs we decied to make tracks back up the steep hill to the hotel to clean up for indoor games. The chosen game was Rapidough :-)

It was all followed by a similar structure of little madam going to eat and early tea of pasta followed by cappucino slice. And then the 'adults' eating later. The vast majority of us ordered steak and whoooooaaaaaaaaa they were MASSIVE! The other half ate it all including all the tough bits!

In the evening we had drinks in the main lounge in front of the fire. The waiters began to know what we were drinking and would say to me 'Malibu with normal coke, little ice with a slice of lemon?' lol!

On Sunday we left little madam with Cl so that me and the other half could walk around Hope Cove by ourselves and answer our quiz questions. We only had a limited amount of time before we were due to be on the beach for our family version of the Olympics! We did the best we could in the short amount of time and walked down to the beach and handed in our entry. We got a bar of Cadburys chocolate just for entering!
Soon after the olympics began. We were put into teams; Red, Blue, Cream and Dolphins
Team Red: Ja*, Linz*, Ch*, Po*
Team Blue: Uncle J, Cl*, Little Madam, Ha*, An*
Team Cream: Nanny, The other half, Ni*, Ja*, Chr*
Team Dolphin: Me, Uncle A, Va*, Ke*, Ca*

Here are the tournaments and who won:~
Welly Wanging: Dolphins
Throwing stones into hoops: Red
Hoola Hoops: Red
Shot put: Blue
Three legged race: Draw between Dolphins and Cream
Relay race: Blue

The final decider was to throw hoops over a pole. In the end the Blue Team won! (well done little madam!) Their prizes were a very nice glass filled with celebrations.

I was knackered after that so put little madam down for a nap and went downstairs with the other half to have a cream tea and game of drafts, then headed up for a snooze whilst little madam was crashed out. The other half went to find the rest of my family in the pub :-)
Unfortunately Uncle J and 3 of my cousins had to leave not long after as they had work/school today so we said our good byes which seem to leave a big gap in the family as we noticed at dinner time!

We finished the day by staying up to chat in the main lounge again in front of the fire. That night I began to start packing - sob!

In the morning we packed up the stuff in the car after breakfast and then wondered around the place and down to the beach for a final few laid back games before heading to the car park to say a rather amusing goodbye. We stood in a straight line and from one end we had to say good bye to each person and stand at the other end of the line and this continued until we had all had a turn to say good bye lol

Once we had all said good bye my Nan drove us back home and as soon as the key turned in the lock it was definately 'back to the shit tip' quite literally - yeah thanks kitty cats :-) :P x

I havent mentioned on here yet that I applied for a job as a fundraiser for the Cats Protection a week ago. It all came about so fast, the week before last I applied, I then received a phone call and had a consultation on what the job would involve. I was then invited for interview last monday, I was told to meet them in a local hotel. On monday though I had a phone call from nursery saying little madam needed to be collected because they had found signs of headlice (grrrr) and she had also fallen off a chair. The other halfs work were really good and allowed the other half to take his lunch break whilst I had my interview so that he could watch little madam.
The interview went really well and I felt really confident about it throughout and after. He said to me that the only thing letting me down was that I couldnt drive which may prove to be a problem, so it was probably going to be between me and someone else who can drive but are not as enthusiastic as me...The man said I would hear back within a day or so. It put me on edge everytime the phone rang I was suprised at how nervous I was to receive the call from them. The majority of calls I received within those next few days were from the other half asking if I had got the job!! By Wednesday I still hadn't heard from them and so had to face facts that I perhaps hadnt got the job. Even the other half shook his head and said no it doesn't look as though you got it but it was a good interview and you should hold onto that.
I was suprisingly gutted. I went to my weekly councelling on the Thursday and told him that I had missed out on a job because I couldnt drive and that I was determined that week to get in the car and face my fear.
When I got home I looked in a last ditch attempt at the phone to see if there were any missed calls which there didn't appear to be. Towards the end of the day I went to use the phone and before I dial in a number if there is a message on there the tone sounds higher pitched. I was really suprised that there was a message and I hadn't realised so I listened to it and to my suprise it was the people from the job asking me to ring back and they 'looked forward to talking to me later' I rang back then and there and they were really pleased to offer me the job and have invited me to do my training this Thursday!! It was such a nice suprise. The other half was estatic! It will certainly take the pressure off him financially.

I finished my letter...

Wishful thinking

My wish list/goals for 2012...

1. Get through to my sister AJ and finally make peace and put all bad feelings behind us.
2. Bring in more money to help support my family.
3. Encourage my daughter to reach her full potential.
4. Help the other half raise funds to afford a car and run it.
5. Go on a family holiday.
6. Resume my driving lessons.
7. Make friends with the people I want to on Facebook.
8. Remove all the rubbish from the garden.
9. Sort out Mitchel's skin problem once and for all.
10. Make my business a success.
11. Send my letter...

There are a couple of those that I think are achievable but most rely on money or other people co operating. Well take note people, we shall review all of this in December to see how far I get! x

Happy Birthday Mr BPM :-)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It will be 4 years that I have been with the other half. Not all of our time has been good but some of the best moments of my life have been with him and I will definately treasure those moments forever. We are really skint so can't afford to do anything nice. We are going out on Saturday for the other half's xmas work do (lol) we have the babysitter all set up for litte madam.

I'm at the point in my life where I feel like i'm walking through thick mud. Everything around me is happening in slow motion and it all seems to be going wrong some how. I'm not sure what I want anymore. Not on the bigger scale. I know what I want in terms of I love the other half and can only hope he loves me just the same. He says he does but I have learnt not to take things at face value to save disappointment... and of course little madam is my sunshine, my everything. I can not imagine not being a mum. My gorgeous cats are also my life. They hear everything I say and watch my every emotion. When I walk through the door, just having their attention warms my heart and hearing them purr makes me feel like I am worth something in this life. Sounds ridiculous I know but hey....

I hate crying so much. I hate little madam witnessing my tears, especially as she is at the age where she now says 'mummy what's wrong mummy? are you alright?' x x x
I have been talking through my emotions with a councellor, he thinks it is healthy to get everything off my chest and sort through all my thoughts.

........................................................................................................................................................

My Boy's :-) x

Kind of glad the weekend is over now, it's been kind of manic in a sort of chilled way which probably makes no sense what so ever. On friday both little miss K and J went to Brownies, it was Little Miss J's first proper session and she really enjoyed it and can't wait to go again in a fortnights time.
Little madam enjoyed the company :-) even though the majority of the time we could hear her screeching and wailing if she took something that wasn't hers and it was the reclaimed by her sisters!
I'm so glad the kids didn't come down with nits in their hair again, I don't think I could have coped!

In other news, I made my way through the entire first series of Downton Abbey. It's brilliant, I really enjoyed it :-)

The other half put together Little madams Peppa Pig trike. Is it so wrong that I can hear little madam wide awake in her cot (it's 10pm now) and I'm dying to go and get her just so she can play on it lol The other half said no :-( meany lol

Right, guna watch my american shite on tele now... :-) x

We painted the lounge walls today, they finally look clean! The curtain poles are here ready to go up we just have to pray that they fit...

My last post may seem a little random as I usually do my b*tching in dribs and drabs throughout this entire blog. The truth of it is, the vast majority of each day I brood over things that upset me which is really unhealthy I suppose but it's something I don't seem to be able to stop. Perhaps though you will be pleased to know that I am trying to help myself and hopefully it won't affect me in such a big way in the future as it does now, heres hoping anyway.

The ironic thing is that I hate it when people brood over things they can't change lol I know it's a complete waste of time and energy, you are best of focusing on the good in your life blah blah blah. I know all that and I apologise to the people I have been short with over their individual issues. It's a catch 22.

Onto other news... Little madam is back at nursery after her christmas break. She went back on the 3rd. Bless her she went in with her potty and pants, very grown up! Unfortunately she's never been in pants anywhere other than home before and so had lots of 'accidents' leaving me with a carrier bag full of clothing stinking of wee at the end of the first day! niiiiiiice.
She made me laugh this morning when I went to take her downstairs after she woke up, she looked at me and said 'Morning!!' haha I used to work in a nursery and so I thought I had in mind each development for the different age ranges but never did I realise how intelligent two year olds really are. Little madam amazes me with everything she knows and understands. She even knows how to wipe her own hands and face clean and then put the wipe in the bin! She won't be three until November so I'm intrigued to see how much she progresses at this current age.

The other half has been busy with work lately, he seems to do nothing else! However I made it my mission to make sure we watched a movie every single night last week so we spent some time together. I think we missed one night as we were so shattered after having a row until 5am the night before. Luckily it seems to have all blown over but the I still find it all so ridiculous.

Anyway, Little madam is stirring after her afternoon nap so I better go and get her although I don't know exactly what I intend to do with her seeing as we don't have a lounge at the moment lol Play time in her room I think!

Why is it possible to annoy yourself with your own thinking?

Thoughts are all I have when Little madam is at nursery and the other half is at work. I hate that sinking feeling when I find my mind trails off onto thoughts of my past, my life, my 'family'... I annoy myself so much because I know that in order to stop these phases of 'depression' then I need to just get over it and move on with my life. I have to accept that my immediate family just don't want to know. Why though? It drives me mad!
I refuse to believe this is entirely all down to me. Perhaps I wasn't perfect, but I will not take all the blame for the destruction of the family I once had. It was already shattering when I was the age of 2. What is wrong with everyone? Why do people hear what they want to hear and stab the people they used to love so much right in the back? It's the same with everything in this life? People have such demand and high expectations of what they want in life and if it isn't achieved then clearly there is a malfunction with the people around them. Clearly those people need to be wiped out of their lives just so they feel like they now have some sort of chance of achieving their egotistical dreams...
Can't anyone see the bigger picture even when making the tiniest of life choices? Who cares if you don't have the latest technical gadget? Who the hell cares how big your flipping tv is?? and what does it matter what brand clothing you are wearing? What is with the competition? the pressure? The snide remarks and comments.
I would love to have the nicest things in life, sure I would, but never at the expence of losing the people I love.
My parents think I am selfish, unkind and unambitious, lazy even. And to a certain extent, perhaps I can hold my hands up and admit to some of that. But to cut me out from what, 2007/2008? and then claim to KNOW me and what I think is a bit of a p*ss take. What kind of father cuts out his daughter from his life after bringing her up for 18 years? What kind of sick twisted individual refuses to watch his only grandchild grow up just because he thought the whole idea of his daughter having a child was a mistake??
I feel mixed emotions about all of this. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Hopeless...
I have a mother who wants to know me one minute and then shuts me out the next. A mother who gets married and doesnt tell her two children until months after.
I am ashamed at how my parents act around people they see every day. The act. The sharade. The bravado. 'Oh well, you did your best with her, thats all you could do' must be a popular line in their ears.
I may not be making my millions just yet, I may not have acquired my parents snobbery. But I still have intact my dignity, my own ambition, my own family and most of all, my life. Mine.